Little Johnny Joke

Over the X-mas holidays Little Johnny went to visit his Grandparents while Mom & Dad got some much needed rest.
Everything was going well until one day when the snow turned into a blizzard. Little Johnny was kept in and started to get into trouble, so his Grandma decided he should help her bake some cookies. Pandering to his sweet-tooth, he agreed and for a while things were peaceful.
Always curious, Little Johnny asked, "Gramma, how old are you?"
She looked at him and replied, "We don't talk about things like that Johnny," and went back to rolling out the dough.
A few minutes later Little Johnny asked, "Gramma, how much do you weigh?"
She stopped cutting out cookie blanks and in an almost harsh tone said, "Now Johnny, I told you that we don't talk about things like that."
Disappointed Johnny waited until they put the first cookie sheet into the over and then asked, "Gramma, why does Gran-pa sleep on the couch every night?"
In an almost scolding tone she snapped, "Johnny, we REALLY don't talk about that."
Little Johnny went into the living room where his Grandpa was watching TV, crawled up in his lap and said, "Gran-pa, Gramma won't tell me nuttin'."
"What won't she tell you Johnny?"
"I ask'd her how old she was, and how much she weighed, and why you sleep on the couch?" replied his favorite Grandson.
Thinking about it while they watched TV together, the older man told him, "Johnny, over there on the table is your Grandmother's purse. In the side pocket is her Driver's License and that will tell you everything you need to know." Johnny jumped down, ran over to the purse and got out the plastic card. It took him a few minutes but he read every word. All excited now, he ran back into the kitchen where his Grandmother was pulling the first batch of cookies out of the oven. Jumping up and down with excitement he exclaimed, "Gramma, Gramma, it says right here that you're 68 years old, an' you weigh 240 pounds and it also says right here why Gran-pa sleeps on the couch!"
Shocked, she just looked at her Grandson as he proudly told her, "Yea Gramma, it say right here that you got an "F" in sex.
ALSO: Check out the new animated - Little Johnny: The Movie (2011) - pretty hilarious those Aussie's are!!!

Found on the WEB - LOL

The Newfies have solved their own fuel problems
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

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Me buddy’s missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,
"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

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Newfoundlanders find a mirror in the road. The first one picks it up and says, "Lard Jasus, I knows this face but I can't put a name to it."
The second picks it up and says, "You stupid bastard, it's me!"

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Found on the Web - Another good reason to be retired - time to make up stories.

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my sons dog, LUX, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say and email.

Honeycomb 3.1, Asus EEE Transformer, & Apps

Found some great apps that run very well on Honeycomb.  My favorite is Pulse, a news reader.

Trial Xtreme is a great dirt bike game, only downside is it requires a connection to run.  Not sure why it's Trial and not Trail, maybe looking for more search hits, but it is a paid trail bike game.

And 80% of my phone apps scaled up beautifully from 3.2" to 10.1"; with more apps coming there's no good reason to not choose an Android tablet unless your still a seed stuck in the core of Apple. The Asus EEE Pad Transformer is a great Honeycomb 3.1 tablet.
The Angry Birds versions all scale fine as does DoggCatcher.

WTF Asus, Safari, Adobe Flash, Firefox (for mobile)

This is so Spockish.  Asus EEE Transformer is now updated to Honeycomb 3.1, when I got it it was 3.0.1, the market flash was 10.3 at the time so to get flash I had to track down flash 10.2; 10.3 won't install on 3.0.1.   To get Honeycomb 3.1 to install I needed to factory reset the EEE Pad; with 3.1 flash 10.3 was installable from market.  Figured I'd grab Firefox too.  This is where it gets completely illogical; the built in browser is Safari (Apple) and running Safari on Honeycomb 3.1 with flash 10.3 plays flash video; Firefox will not play Flash on my Honeycomb 3.1 Android tablet.  Firefox offers a partial workaround but even that is external to Firefox.  Safari is pretty sucky as a browser on most platforms but on Google's Android it works alright; so sad for the iPad crowd that is still without flash. 
The worst browser in the world goes to Sony's PlayStation 3; "do you want to install the plugin", and extremely minimal video support.  My first computer was an Apple IIe and I played many hours of Jumpman on my black and green screen and wrote papers that required swapping in and out multiple 5.25" floppies; you'd get about 20 pages of a formatted document on 1 floppy.  Since Steve left and returned I left, only I have no desire to return to the Apple.  I lived through Windows 3.11, 95, 98, XP, Vista, & now Windows 7 which is a great OS. 
Firefox I need flash support in the browser; if I set Firefox as default App Market videos aren't even clickable.  This is a great product, the Asus EEE Pad Transformer and although the "about battery" view usage is still in limbo, the battery life I've experienced is as good or better than Asus's claim; but how did Apple's Safari creep onto my Android - it seems there is no way to escape Master Jobs.

By the way, there are enough Honeycomb apps available, and more coming soon; need GameHouse to resize NCIS, could probably actually play on a tablet but after full size credits play and settings are chosen the screen shrinks to phone size.  Found other full screen games.  Wish we Canadians could get in on the Amazon deal but it is not available in the north.  At least Shaw is giving us unlimited internet, hope the twit's get it down south.