Friday, September 23, 2011

Little Johnny Joke

Over the X-mas holidays Little Johnny went to visit his Grandparents while Mom & Dad got some much needed rest.
Everything was going well until one day when the snow turned into a blizzard. Little Johnny was kept in and started to get into trouble, so his Grandma decided he should help her bake some cookies. Pandering to his sweet-tooth, he agreed and for a while things were peaceful.
Always curious, Little Johnny asked, "Gramma, how old are you?"
She looked at him and replied, "We don't talk about things like that Johnny," and went back to rolling out the dough.
A few minutes later Little Johnny asked, "Gramma, how much do you weigh?"
She stopped cutting out cookie blanks and in an almost harsh tone said, "Now Johnny, I told you that we don't talk about things like that."
Disappointed Johnny waited until they put the first cookie sheet into the over and then asked, "Gramma, why does Gran-pa sleep on the couch every night?"
In an almost scolding tone she snapped, "Johnny, we REALLY don't talk about that."
Little Johnny went into the living room where his Grandpa was watching TV, crawled up in his lap and said, "Gran-pa, Gramma won't tell me nuttin'."
"What won't she tell you Johnny?"
"I ask'd her how old she was, and how much she weighed, and why you sleep on the couch?" replied his favorite Grandson.
Thinking about it while they watched TV together, the older man told him, "Johnny, over there on the table is your Grandmother's purse. In the side pocket is her Driver's License and that will tell you everything you need to know." Johnny jumped down, ran over to the purse and got out the plastic card. It took him a few minutes but he read every word. All excited now, he ran back into the kitchen where his Grandmother was pulling the first batch of cookies out of the oven. Jumping up and down with excitement he exclaimed, "Gramma, Gramma, it says right here that you're 68 years old, an' you weigh 240 pounds and it also says right here why Gran-pa sleeps on the couch!"
Shocked, she just looked at her Grandson as he proudly told her, "Yea Gramma, it say right here that you got an "F" in sex.
ALSO: Check out the new animated - Little Johnny: The Movie (2011) - pretty hilarious those Aussie's are!!!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Found on the WEB - LOL

The Newfies have solved their own fuel problems
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.


Me buddy’s missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,
"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."


Newfoundlanders find a mirror in the road. The first one picks it up and says, "Lard Jasus, I knows this face but I can't put a name to it."
The second picks it up and says, "You stupid bastard, it's me!"


Saturday, September 17, 2011

Found on the Web - Another good reason to be retired - time to make up stories.


Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my sons dog, LUX, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say and email.